godwho's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A look back I grew up, as they say, �in the church.� Most of what I was taught as a child made sense: it�s not good to lie or steal, you shouldn�t be jealous of people, and do not cook a young goat in its mother�s milk. But there were some things about which I had serious questions; questions that �Because-it�s-a-sin,-that�s-why�-type answers didn�t work for me. Since the people (well meaning though they were) around me didn�t have logistically sound and consistent answers for some of my inquiries, I mistakenly assumed that the scriptures from which they taught must not contain the answers, either. In this way, as I grew up, I adopted the practices that made sense to me, eschewed the things that didn�t, and never noticed that I didn�t actually have a faith� I had a lifestyle; a culture, if you will. But my alleged beliefs didn�t have teeth. I didn�t notice this until, as a young adult, I was given some tough meat to chew on. When I was in college, there were a couple of real benchmark moments I recall that helped make it very easy for me to walk away from my Christian upbringing several years later. I don�t remember in which order they happened, but they both made an impression on me. In a philosophy class one day, our instructor (who had exactly two pair of pants: khaki cargo and olive cargo, both holey and suspicious-smelling) made the purposefully inflammatory statement: �If there is a god up in heaven, I can�t believe he doesn�t have better things to worry about than what I do with my private parts at night.� He was always saying stuff like that, then he�d just back out and let the class do its thing. There was this one sweet little Baptist girl in there who made it a point to try to argue with him, but her debate tactics were, unfortunately, identical each time. And this day was no different. She started telling him he was wrong, then her voice and words got so shrill you could no longer understand what she was saying, and she ended up crumpled in a heap, head on her desk, sobbing. This emotion-with-no-basis-in-reality response was what I�d grown accustomed to seeing from Christians. �Because it�s a sin, that�s why!� That does not compute. The other thing was in a Bible class I attended just off of campus. The leader of this student group was talking about dinosaurs and said something to the effect that it is within the realm of possibility that dinosaurs never actually existed, and that Satan might have placed their bones in the ground to challenge our faith. Now, I was willing to take a leap of faith about some things that I didn�t understand, but this particular pronouncement made absolutely no sense in any way. I was genuinely puzzled, and I had one overriding question� It was a question I asked in complete sincerity, because I wanted very much to hold on to some moral center and, therefore, wanted very much for someone to show me how a belief in the God of the Bible could be sensible, based on a firm foundation in reality and history� And I wasn�t finding anyone able to point me in that direction. Well, this man was no different. I raised my hand. He called on me. I asked, �How do you think believing that dinosaurs existed would make a person doubt God?� I guess he thought I was trying to be a smart-ass. I have no recollection at all as to the words of his response; only that whatever he said was so flippant, several people giggled. I was embarrassed and disappointed, and he only seemed to be proving the world�s point about religious idiots. I do remember very much darting from the room in tears, swearing I would never go back to that class again. Fast-forward about five years, when I was at an exceptionally painful time in my life. The only thing that made me feel less numb was when I was doing things about which I knew no one in my religious circle would approve. When it was apparent that I was moving forward with my plans, I was confronted by people whom I thought (mistakenly, but it was the impression I got) did not care about my depression or anxiety or life, it just felt like they were trying to make sure I knew darn well that the road I was taking was a road that led straight to hell. Meanwhile, the people I worked with were glad I was �moving on� and doing something to make myself happy. It was so easy to listen to them. They were saying what I wanted to hear. Those other people hadn�t had real answers in the past, so why would I listen to them now? Once, I was talking to my mom on the phone, and I said, �The majority of the world doesn�t even believe in the Bible, so how do we know it�s right?� I have no idea what she said, but obviously it didn�t make any impression on me (which is not to say she didn't have a response; only that I didn�t hear anything). About two years later, after living my own way (my lifestyle and decision-making anchor could best be described as �situational ethics�), I met this great person who wanted very much for the future spouse to be a Christian. I wanted to impress this person. I�d pretended to be one most of my life, so slipping back into the fa�ade was not difficult at all. We got married. And it started again: going to church, getting involved in ministries, maybe even being convicted about some of the less-than-honest stuff that was going on at work� but not so much so that I was willing to risk my job to change it. This might have gone on for years had I not attended one specific apologetics class. It was a video-based course, which was great, because the teacher, while passionate about the subject, could not control a give-and-take lecture. We ended up in the same discussions and circular arguments every single week. The week before we gave up and stopped going, though, there was one sentence said by one man on seven seconds of video that blew everything I thought I thought right out of the water. (A lot of people want to know what that was, but it was only personally meaningful given my own journey; I don�t expect it�d mean much to anyone else.) A light bulb went off in my head. I thought, for the first time and with great relief, �Oh my gosh! There are people on this planet who believe what the Bible says, and they are educated and analytical, and they can give sound evidences and�� Oh! It was a world I�d had no idea existed. It was as though I�d found �my� people. And I wanted to know more. This was about seven years ago. I�ve been on a journey ever since. I�m steadily making progress, and it�s exciting, but it�s not always easy or particularly pretty. So, I started off in the past tense. And today, we took a trip in the Way Back Machine so you could see where I�m standing today. For now, my plan for the journal is to put up mile markers as I go forward. Care to come with me? 8:45 p.m. - 2006-08-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Honesty's the best policy It's interesting that some people see my musings as "self-flagellation," or negativity or guilt or repression of myself, or whatever. In my flesh and blood life, I am not stymied by these truths; I just don't see any point in not admitting who I know I am. One of my weaknesses throughout my entire life has been dishonesty, especially to keep myself out of trouble; I don't want to lie anymore. At its essence, I think that corporate whitewashing of the lives of Christians is one reason people don't want to listen to us. I'm pleased to say that the tide seems to be turning in that regard, at least in the church where we're active now, and the one we attended for several years where we lived before. But I'm sure it's still alive and well in some pockets. You know what I'm talking about: Everyone puts on their Sunday best, their Sunday smiles, and all go listen to preacher for an hour. Smiling and nodding appropriately. "God bless you," and all that. Meanwhile, it's community knowledge that Mr. Smiley is embezzling money from his office, that Mrs. Smiley is having an affair with her kid's teacher, and that little Bobby Smiley shoplifts booze from the 7-11, then gets hammered with his friends every afternoon. We claim that God created the earth, and yet we treat it like it's disposable. We believe our bodies are God's temple, but we fill them with garbage (literally and metaphorically). We tell you that you should obey the Bible, but we conveniently ignore the parts of Scripture that don't fit neatly into our plans and practices. We point an accusatory finger at so many "issues," agreeing with each other that love and respect for human life goes right out the window when people don't have a transcending faith; but we ignore so many of the "least of these" because we seem to think they deserve their poverty or sickness because of their irresponsibility. A sort of political issue for which many Christians have coalesced and come out in force is various issues under a "Protection of Family Values" banner. A very good friend of mine said that she'd take these concerns seriously when the people behind them began to practice valuing family in their own lives. She has a point. Research (by a very reputable organization) shows that Christians are exactly as likely to divorce as non-Christians. In the words of the Teacher, "You look at the bit of sawdust in your friend's eye. But you pay no attention to the piece of wood in your own eye. How can you say to your friend, 'Let me take the bit of sawdust out of your eye'? How can you say this while there is a piece of wood in your own eye? You pretender! First take the piece of wood out of your own eye. Then you will be able to see clearly to take the bit of sawdust out of your friend's eye." Rick Warren has a great line: "The New Testament says the church is the body of Christ, but for the last 100 years, the hands and feet have been amputated, and the church has just been a mouth. And mostly, it's been known for what it's against." And that, I believe, is why no one is listening much anymore. Which is a shame, because there's some great stuff to be heard. Why do you think they call it "The Good News"? One might then ask, what exactly are we FOR? If we want to do this thing right, what are we to do? Boycott Disney? And Ford? And Carl's Jr.? And Palmolive, those Satanists? Yes. That's right there in between the Old and New Testaments. (Insert sarcasm icon here.) In fact, one of the disciples' apparent frustrations with Jesus was that he was apolitical. This was not the Messiah they were expecting. The state of Israel was under very oppressive Roman occupation during Jesus' lifetime, but never will you find him saying, "It seems they don't have a copy of the Ten Commandments on display in the Senate. Someone, quick, pen a scathing letter to Caesar. Be sure to CC the editorial department of Jerusalem Daily. You, there, start a petition. See how many people agree with us so we can present this to the powers that be." Jesus never encouraged his followers to attempt to throw off the yoke of a brutal regimen. The only times he spoke of the government were when he affirmed paying taxes, and when he told a governor that God had given the governor his authority. Logically, if we��re Christians, then we're for exactly what the Christ was for, right? What did he find important? -- "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Those are pretty lofty ideals. I do know some people who try to live them out, but I have a feeling there aren't a lot of them. I know I'm not one of them. Yet. I'm praying about that but, honestly, I'm not looking forward to the answer. In my experience, when one genuinely asks God to mold his character, God is more than willing to assist. And it's rarely free from pain. But how can I be satisfied with anything less? By the way, Jesus didn't just preach all hearts and happies. He did spew some venom. He was "against" some things. You know what he was against the most vehemently? The "religious" leaders. Listen to this: -- Jesus spoke to the crowds and to his disciples. "The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat," he said. "So you must obey them. Do everything they tell you. But don't do what they do. They don't practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on other people's shoulders. But they themselves aren't willing to lift a finger to move them... How terrible for you, teachers of the law and Pharisees! You pretenders! You travel everywhere to win one person to your faith. Then you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are... How terrible for you, teachers of the law and Pharisees! You pretenders! You give God a tenth of your spices, like mint, dill and cumin. But you have not practiced the more important things of the law, like fairness, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the last things without failing to do the first. You blind guides! You remove the smallest insect from your food. But you swallow a whole camel!... How terrible for you, teachers of the law and Pharisees! You pretenders! You are like tombs that are painted white. They look beautiful on the outside. But on the inside they are full of the bones of the dead�K It is the same with you. On the outside you seem to be doing what is right. But on the inside you are full of what is wrong. You pretend to be what you are not." One of the Pharisees got it right, though. His name was Paul, and he did a pretty instantaneous one-eighty after a genuine encounter with his Lord. Saul was a highly educated Jewish zealot and a Roman citizen by birth. He'd been a pillar of the religious community before his turn-around, yet later he wrote in a letter: "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst." I guess he'd moved beyond pretending to be what he was not. We all should. It would make us a lot more credible, and a lot more tolerable. One of the Proverbs says, "When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him." What a great goal. No more games. This is who I am. God already knows it, so you might as well know, too. And by His grace, may we reach a place where those who disagree with me and I can love each other and live at peace. 9:43 p.m. - 2006-08-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Follow up A sincere thanks to everyone who left a note or e-mailed me� And I mean that. Whether you agree with me or not, understand what that was all about or not, I appreciate the feedback. And input. Thanks for starting the journey. There�s this story about the Teacher, written by one of his most beloved friend�s friend, Mark. Two things have just happened� First of all, though droves were following the Teacher from place to place, when he visited his hometown, he was made fun of. Unfortunately, I kind of understand this. I have a high school buddy who is now a cop in the city where I grew up. I don�t live there anymore, but I�ve seen him in full uniform, and have even gone on a ride-along with him. It�s difficult not to giggle, watching him wield this official authority, when I still see him as this idiot kid (as I still see myself) in jazz band. Anyway, so the Teacher goes home, and no one is impressed. They say, basically, �Who does he think he is? He thinks he�s so much smarter than us� When we all know he�s more about the brawn than the brains. Seriously! His mom still lives here, and his brothers and sisters. He can�t fool us! We know him better than that!� The next thing that happens is that the Teacher finds out that his cousin has been murdered. There are so many people around him, he doesn�t have time to eat. It�s crowded and noisy, and he can�t even count on his childhood friends, or even his family, for comfort. He says to his closest followers, �Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.� Mark goes on to tell the story: �So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. When [he] landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd.� Oh, God, I want to love people that much. The only touchstone I have here is with my child. Sometimes, I�m so worn out and frustrated, I just need a break. Ironically, it�s typically during those times that my child needs me the most. So even through my own weariness, I see the child and feel my heart ache with love. I have no choice. It�s like a magnet. But to feel that way about everyone? I want to. I truly want to. Because I know if more of those of us who call ourselves Christians did that, then more people who are not familiar with the Teacher would know that it�s not about what those people carrying the �God hates fags� signs think it�s about. It�s not what the people in the line on the sidewalk with a bullhorn at Planned Parenthood think it�s about. It�s not about what the people forwarding e-mails about how if you loved Jesus you�d forward the e-mail (plus you get three free wishes!) think it�s about. So, the reason I wrote the first entry was largely a reality check for myself. I do want to distance myself from the aforementioned groups, the same way I want to distance myself from some women, white people, moms, and others who claim very visibly to speak for the loosely-affiliated �people groups� to which I belong. But the fact is that there�s a lot of resentment toward Christians, and it can�t all be in the imaginations of those who are doing the resenting. Before any headway can be made, I know I need to own up to my part in the whole sordid mess. Plus, seeing those things in writing is a visual reminder; when those attitudes try to surface, they�ll already have a name and maybe I�ll recognize them more quickly. �He has showed you, O man, what is good. 7:41 p.m. - 2006-08-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An intro by way of confession Hi. If you�re reading this, it�s because: A) I sent you an e-mail and invited you, B) you clicked on the banner, or C) you stumbled across the diary completely by accident. Whichever the case: Welcome. That�s really all of the time I have for niceties, because there is serious business to tackle, and I�m not one for beating around the bushes. So here goes� I have a confession to make. Actually, I have a load of confessions. All of which require apologies, and most of which have to do with YOU. I owe you all an apology (or any number of them). I am sincerely sorry. And even if you don�t know me and you think you should go read another page now, please hang out. I know I�ve hurt you, too. I am certain of it. And if it hasn�t been me specifically, it�s been my kind. You know exactly what I mean. So, I�m just going to start at the beginning. These are words I am not choosing lightly; I mean them with all of my heart: I am so very sorry. 1) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been a selfish, self-centered, self-involved, self-seeking lover of self above all others at all times (even today). I have been willing to reach out to and help and love you only after I�ve made certain my own needs have been met. Never before. 2) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been so eager to disprove your �false assumptions� about this �religion� that, in my careless arguing and point-making, I proved you completely right. 3) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have shown complete disrespect and ungratefulness to parents who have loved me all along the way and who have forgiven me long before I asked for or deserved forgiveness. 4) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have hated. A lot. I have hated you for so many reasons, all of which I justified completely to myself. I might not have harbored thoughts of running over you with my car (but I might have), but I certainly worked myself into a frenzied dither of malice toward you, and I nursed it, and I said things about you when you weren�t around, and I avoided you when you were. I have harbored the thought that my life could be problem-free if only people like you weren�t in it. 5) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have walked away from relationships and commitments just because I felt like it, in front of everyone, and I did not care at all whom it affected or hurt, so long as I got what I wanted. 6) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been lazy and had a bad attitude about my work. I have been paid for performing well under my abilities. I have wasted time. I have sown the seeds of discord in the workplace with my words and my attitude. I have behaved unprofessionally and devoid of self-control. I have been arrogant, cynical, resentful, and dishonest, all while happily cashing a check that didn�t care whether I was honorable, as long as I got the minimum job description done. And I did that: the minimum. And no more. 7) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have not figured out how to relate to you. I want to get to know you on a personal level, but am uncomfortable with so many things about you� I assume you believe that I am narrow-minded and simple, and that maybe you even pity me. And this grates on my pride, so that I become defensive. And I probably look at you in a way that makes you think I�m judging you. I�m not. I�m judging myself in the mirror of your eyes, and I don�t like what I see. But I take it out on you. 8) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have treated my spouse like an inconvenience instead of a dear gift to be honored and revered and loved. 9) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have been far too busy defending my own beliefs under the misguided heading of defending God or Jesus or the Scriptures, as though they needed my help. And in my energy-draining efforts to defend that which needs no defense, I�ve neglected defending those who truly need a voice. I�ve left these most vulnerable populations to you to take care of, and you�ve shouldered the burden, rightly wondering why those �love your neighbor� people aren�t doing anything. 10) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have stormed headlong into the political arena, waving the Sword of the Spirit as though it were a tool to change public policy. I have been sure that a national referendum is just the thing we need to stem the tide of� whatever. I have been so sure of this that I haven�t taken the time to look inside of myself to see where the actual problem lies. I have let myself forget that the battle isn�t against flesh. Instead, I have put a face on it, and that face is yours. 11) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have bullied my child, on purpose, just because I wasn�t patient enough to discipline instead. 12) I am sorry because I have called myself a Christian and I have lived a life that fails to reflect what I truly believe, what I have come to know so much only recently, is the One Thing that matters. And as I look behind me, I see in my wake those who have been injured by my thoughts, words, and actions. I am powerless to do anything but offer a sincere apology. �Christian� means literally �little Christ.� I know I have been anything but. So often, we Christians use the Third Commandment of not using the Lord�s name in vain as a mandate against cursing. But, on my part, I have to admit that I�ve taken and used the Lord�s name as a banner for myself when it was TOTALLY inappropriate, and I am certain this is every bit as offensive to the God I am supposed to love than when someone off-handedly throws His name out there. I have dragged His name through the mud with me. I am truly sorry. I wish I could do something to start the healing. Any comments? Do you accept my apology? E-mail me or leave me a note. I�d love to hear from you. 5:24 p.m. - 2006-08-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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